Lord Arse of Hole

The rewards of failure

(Last Updated On: 27th August 2015)

Our Tory prime minister has announced that 45 of his tory pals will be made into lords, where they can wear a coat made from dead stoats and park their generous behinds on the red leather benches and be paid £300 per day for dosing off in a wonderful, champagne induced haze. They will be joining the other 781 unelected peers on the taxpayer funded gravy train and they will have the ability to block and amend our laws. Before we get into the wonderful personalities who will be elevated, it is worth having a look at the current membership:

  • Conservatives  226
  • Labour   212
  • Crossbench   179
  • Liberal Democrats   101
  • Democratic Unionist Party   4
  • UKIP    3
  • Plaid Cymru   2
  • Ulster Unionist Party   2
  • Green Party   1
  • Non Affiliated   25
  • Priests   26

Notice how there are no truly Scottish parties represented in the lords? There are no SNP, no SSP and no Solidarity. There will be lots of fine words from the likes of the Green Party, Peter Hain and others about how the house of lords can only be reformed from within. But they are just that, fine words.

Our new lords break down like this:

  • Conservative   26
  • Liberal Democrats   11
  • Labour   8

Which will bring the total to 826! if they all bothered to turn up that would cost us £247800 per day (not including expenses, champagne and subsidised food).

Some of the notable new entrants are:

Blue Tories

  • William Hague – former MP and ex leader of the party – for services to blue torydom
  • Michelle Mone – for services to espionage and failed businesses
  • Stuart Polak – for services to Zionism
  • Philippa Stroud – ex adviser to Iain Duncan Smith – for services to the poor and disabled

There are a further 9 former MPs, assorted blue tory councillors, party officials and donors.

Yellow Tories

  • Malcolm Bruce – former MP – for services to expenses grabbing sucking up to the blue tories
  • Ming Campbell – former MP – for services to sucking up to the blue tories
  • Jonny Oates – former lacky to Nick Clegg – for services to sucking up to the blue tories

There are also 5 former MPs, 2 former councillors and a former MEP. A notable person, who just missed out on a peerage, was Danny Alexander who will just have to make do with a knighthood for screwing as much tax out of the North Sea as possible.

Red Tories

  • David Blunkett – former home secretary – for services to his ex-lover’s nanny
  • Alistair Darling – former chancellor – for services to tory bankers
  • Peter Hain – former colonial officer – for services to Robert Mugabe
  • Tessa Jowell – for services to paedophiles

There are also 4 former MPs and a party lackey.

So it would seem that once you get a ride on the UK’s gravy train, there’s no need to get off just because the plebs have had the bad grace to un-elect you. You can just keep on riding in a dead animal coat. I, for one, am glad that we are better together in this wonderful UK where we dehumanise refugees, starve our sick and poor and reward the failures of our chums.

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