Category Archives: UK

Lord Arse of Hole

The rewards of failure

Our Tory prime minister has announced that 45 of his tory pals will be made into lords, where they can wear a coat made from dead stoats and park their generous behinds on the red leather benches and be paid £300 per day for dosing off in a wonderful, champagne induced haze. They will be joining the other 781 unelected peers on the taxpayer funded gravy train and they will have the ability to block and amend our laws. Before we get into the wonderful personalities who will be elevated, it is worth having a look at the current membership:

  • Conservatives  226
  • Labour   212
  • Crossbench   179
  • Liberal Democrats   101
  • Democratic Unionist Party   4
  • UKIP    3
  • Plaid Cymru   2
  • Ulster Unionist Party   2
  • Green Party   1
  • Non Affiliated   25
  • Priests   26

Notice how there are no truly Scottish parties represented in the lords? There are no SNP, no SSP and no Solidarity. There will be lots of fine words from the likes of the Green Party, Peter Hain and others about how the house of lords can only be reformed from within. But they are just that, fine words.

Our new lords break down like this:

  • Conservative   26
  • Liberal Democrats   11
  • Labour   8

Which will bring the total to 826! if they all bothered to turn up that would cost us £247800 per day (not including expenses, champagne and subsidised food).

Some of the notable new entrants are:

Blue Tories

  • William Hague – former MP and ex leader of the party – for services to blue torydom
  • Michelle Mone – for services to espionage and failed businesses
  • Stuart Polak – for services to Zionism
  • Philippa Stroud – ex adviser to Iain Duncan Smith – for services to the poor and disabled

There are a further 9 former MPs, assorted blue tory councillors, party officials and donors.

Yellow Tories

  • Malcolm Bruce – former MP – for services to expenses grabbing sucking up to the blue tories
  • Ming Campbell – former MP – for services to sucking up to the blue tories
  • Jonny Oates – former lacky to Nick Clegg – for services to sucking up to the blue tories

There are also 5 former MPs, 2 former councillors and a former MEP. A notable person, who just missed out on a peerage, was Danny Alexander who will just have to make do with a knighthood for screwing as much tax out of the North Sea as possible.

Red Tories

  • David Blunkett – former home secretary – for services to his ex-lover’s nanny
  • Alistair Darling – former chancellor – for services to tory bankers
  • Peter Hain – former colonial officer – for services to Robert Mugabe
  • Tessa Jowell – for services to paedophiles

There are also 4 former MPs and a party lackey.

So it would seem that once you get a ride on the UK’s gravy train, there’s no need to get off just because the plebs have had the bad grace to un-elect you. You can just keep on riding in a dead animal coat. I, for one, am glad that we are better together in this wonderful UK where we dehumanise refugees, starve our sick and poor and reward the failures of our chums.


Stop Moneing

Wonderful news that Scotland’s most famous underwear entrepreneur is to be ennobled by David Cameron. Her elevation really shows off the best of the British establishment. The one where political party donors, failed politicians and other favoured cronies get to swill taxpayers’ bubbly and relax on some red leather benches and get paid £300 per day for doing so. They also get to amend and block legislation, but that’s a side issue.

Ms Mone, who admits to falsifying qualifications on her CV to get a job (isn’t that illegal?), is the original flip-flop woman. She is like a spoilt child who issues threats to leave as soon as something displeases her. She used to support the Labour party (the old cluncker Gordie Broon bunged her an OBE for her efforts) until she realised that they were about to lose the 2010 election so she switched her support to the Tories. Labour increasing the top rate of income tax may have had something to do with it as well, she even threatened to leave the UK if Labour pursued the policy (which they did but she didn’t).

Once Conservatism had filled her soul she was addressing the cabinet and came out for the Union during the independence campaign. She threatened to leave again if Scotland voted Yes, this time to England (which we didn’t but she did anyway). Her support for the Better Together campaign is now to be recognised and she is so worth it. After all, Lord Sewell looked a right tube with that hooker’s bra on. Surely she can design a nice, masculine bra which would lift and separate a lord’s moobs. Perhaps it could have a handy coke pocket too?

Of course once she enters the lords she may get to be part of the government, perhaps as a minister, even though nobody ever voted for her. She will sit alongside 800 odd other unelected people and amend our laws. How’s that for democracy?

Shooting the tory fox

The 56 SNP MPs at Westminster are to vote against the proposed relaxing of the current legislation on hunting foxes with dogs in England and Wales. This appears to break the SNP’s self-imposed rule on not voting on devolved matters which have no effect on Scotland. The reason that they give is that there is a review being conducted at Holyrood into whether the existing Scottish ban, which allows for the flushing out of a fox with a pack of dogs instead of the permitted 2 in England and Wales, is strong enough. This seems a fairly minor Scottish interest to me. Others of a more English bent would probably say that there is no Scottish interest whatsoever. Like the BBC for instance.

Disengenuous BBC headline

Disingenuous BBC headline

Notice how the headline states “English” yet the body of the story says “England and Wales”. The folks at the BBC know that the majority of people won’t read past the headline. This a risible attempt to inflame anti Scottish opinion by our national broadcaster. But this a relatively minor issue compared to the others which are continuously spewed out by the government’s main propaganda organ.

So what’s afoot? Well there is a possibility that the combined efforts of the SNP, Labour (if they bother to vote), the Lib Dems, a few tory backbench rebels and assorted others could inflict a defeat on the tories. After all their majority is wafer thin, like those wee chocolate coated mints that you get after Christmas dinner. That would anger the tories no end, Boris would go so scarlet with apoplexy that he would look like a giant strawberry and cream lollipop.

There could be another reason for the apparent U-turn by the SNP and it is this. By voting on what appears to be and England and Wales only matter the SNP will enrage the tory back benches to such a degree that they will assuredly vote for EVEL. It’s almost as if the SNP want to be made second class in the UK parliament. Then they could say, “Himmin, see fit yon tories huv din. They’ve cut us a oot o the decision makin. Fit kind o parliament is is en? Fit we deein here onywy? Lets hae a wee indyref tae sort is oot.”

The tories’ plans for EVEL are quite bizarre, for while they move the fulcrum in Westminster to the English advantage they also move the fulcrum in Scotland to the separatists’ advantage thus providing extra leverage in their pursuit of an independent Scotland. So maybe that’s it?

Or it could be a chance to shove a hunting horn up some posh tory jacksees. Either way I’m happy.

The featured image at the top of the page is courtesy of Fox in Parliament.