Tag Archives: conservative

I have a "Special Deal"

The Perma-Tory hell of Brexit

Our beloved leader has cast aside his bestialist ways and got us a super deal which gives us “special status” within the EU. Not that the deal amounts to much, it just tinkers around the edges of immigration policy and benefits. But the PM’s biggest achievement is the exemption of the City of London from any EU regulation. How’s that for light touch regulation? Paul Double, the City of London Remembrancer, will be pleased.

Now we are expected to decide whether we want to stay in the EU in a referendum which is to be held on the anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn, the timing is against the wishes of all of the devolved parliaments and assemblies since the referendum campaign will overshadow the May elections. The referendum will continue to dominate the agenda until then and it will provide a free platform to UKIP which may see their first MSPs at Holyrood.

This referendum is all about the tories and the advance of UKIP who have outflanked them on the right. The tories have always been split on the EU, some tories split from the main party to form UKIP. Tory party grandees fund UKIP and it is they who are driving the anti-EU agenda.

Before we get lost in the EU referendum let’s remember that UKIP want to abolish the Barnett Formula which they conceded in their 2015 manifesto, “…will result in substantial reductions in funding for Scotland.” But hey, that’s OK because we will have some super new powers of our own to compensate for the shortfall. This places UKIP up there with the red tories who want us to raise income taxes in order to mitigate for tory cuts. But they are purple tories after all.

So what would the UK be like if the result of the referendum is to leave?

Well the first thing to go would be those pesky Human Rights that are forced on us from the EU. That would be the end of freedom of speech, we wouldn’t be able to complain about being tortured or having our privacy invaded. The tories would be able to do as they please once the shackles of the European Court of Human Rights are thrown off. We would have no right to life, no right to freedom, no right to property and definitely no right to protest. Goodness no, that would never do.

The next thing to go would be those irritating employment laws, you know the ones that protect the employees from the worst excesses of the employers? So out would go union laws, we won’t be having any of those. Then the tories will make it even easier to get rid of people and as for holiday entitlement, ha ha ha. Pay would be driven down, unless you are a boss of course, and those working conditions would be, how should I put it, improved.

Once you have been booted out of your job and you become “no longer economically active” well, what use are you? You may think that all those National Insurance contributions counted for something but you were wrong. There will be Universal Credit if they ever get the computer system sorted out, but IDS will make it impossible for you to claim it. If you are unable to work through sickness or disability IDS will make you jump through all manner of hoops before declaring you fit to work, so you get nothing. The new benefits regime will be called Work for Freedom.

Did we mention pensions yet? The tories will reduce the state pension but not too much, they do rely on the silver vote after all so it will be nice and subtle. Those other benefits like winter fuel allowance and free TV licences will all have to go, after all we need to pull together now that there’s a war on, spirit of the blitz and all. Didn’t we mention the war? We’ll get to that. The bus passes will have to go, but then pensioners are not economically active so why do they need to get around? As for those company and private pensions, all that lovely cash sitting around is just too tempting to resist, Gideon already has his greedy eyes on that honeypot. After all there is a war to pay for.

Oh yes, the war. Well it turns out that nuclear weapons are no deterrent after all. The £167 billion which was funnelled into arms companies didn’t prevent the war. Well it wouldn’t would it, because war is so much more profitable than peace. If there’s something a tory loves it’s money and cushy non executive directorships, both of which can be had by the bucket load if only the house votes for war.

We’ll need someone to do the dirty work, boots on the ground so to speak. There weren’t many volunteers so the tories re-introduced conscription. Now all our youth must serve in the armed forces, but only working class youth of course. There are lots of exemptions so if you have enough cash your son/daughter will not have to join the slaughter discipline enhancing institutions of the armed forces. Before you know it they will be off to the sand pit with sub-standard kit, made by the lowest bidder, to fight in a perpetual war which cannot be won.

Back home in Blighty there will be fear, lashings of it, all over the MSM. We need to have fear to keep the people in their place you see. There will not be any facts, good lord no. We can’t have the plebs making informed decisions can we? That would never do. The media will do the government’s bidding because they are one and the same. All part of the same establishment because that is what tories stand for: the few at the expense of the many.

0.5% cheer Osborne

George Gideon Oliver Osborne was roundly cheered for his speech at the Conservative Party Conference today as he promised to cut the benefits to 10 million families by up to £500 per annum if the tories are re-elected, saving the exchequer £3billion per annum. This was part of a package of cuts totalling £25billion which was announced today by the Baron in waiting.

Bullingdon Boy George

Bullingdon Boy George

Government departments will be forced to cut their budgets by £13million and there will be another £9billion cuts to welfare spending. We will just have to wait in trepidation to see where that particular axe will fall but my guess is that it will be the state pension since that is what makes up the largest part of welfare spending, but it would be electoral suicide to announce that particular bombshell prior to a general election.

As a sop to the grey vote he also announced that the 55% tax rate on inherited pensions would be abolished and in some instances there would be no tax liability at all on sums up to £1.2million, in effect turning pensions into tax free savings vehicles for the well off. This move is expected to benefit around 320000 people in the UK, or put another way 0.5% of the population. Who says this government only works for the 1%?

In other news Ian Duncan Smith, or Ideologically Driven Shithead as he’s known to his friends, has proposed a new state credit card for the poor. The idea is that their benefits would be credited to the cards, assuming that they haven’t been sanctioned this week, and they would then be able to spend them in “selected stores”. I wonder which of the tory benefactors will benefit from this particular poverty control measure. With his halo reflecting eerily upon his pate he announced to his breathless admirers that the poor would not be allowed to spend their benefits in betting shops or off licences but, in a move widely regarded as a thank you to Rupert Murdoch for his help in the Scottish Referendum campaign, the poor will be allowed to use their benefits to pay for Sky TV. Watch the bookies share prices fall if the tories win the next election.

And finally a little compare and contrast about the state of the housing market. The BBC says “House Prices Accelerated In August” citing Land Registrystatistics although they failed to mention the fall in house prices in the South West and North West. The Bank of England has stated that the number of mortgage approvals had fallen in August, a sign that the housing market is cooling off according to Reuters. Prime Minister David Cameron pledged on Sunday to assist young first time buyers into a lifetime of debt if his party is re-elected by knocking 20% off the price of new homes, so even he admits that the housing market is over priced and due a correction soon. But the debt fuelled economy that he has helped to create cannot continue unless there is more debt. Now would be a good time to pay off as much of that debt as you can afford.